The Chemist

(This is the poem I wrote for open mic)

There should be a creation of a world where an orange liquid, dropped slowly but surely into a clear liquid will invariably turn it blue-green.

The deft strokes of imagination that would be applauded if done by an artist is sneered when done by a scientist.

My world is not for the color-blind, but it is a world for the mute because they cannot state that they practice the determination of essential ions within a diluted solution with the use of an ion selective electrode; less they have someone phase out on them.

Quite frankly, I heard the WHOOSH of inattention and desinterest flutter past me as I state such a study.

Shall I continue to state how my world is one of the deaf? Where we must stand by resolute while such hatred and critisism is uttered about something so loved just because they choose to hate what they cannot understand? Anywhere else, this would be considered racism.

What is so difficult to comprehend? It is not like we drop a white powder in water to render a colorless solution, only to add drops of more transparent liquid, little at a time, until it turns a very appealing shade of pink. Oh... wait... we DO do that.

Mine is a world where we understand that taking a deep breath and continuing on with life, we are merely allowing for oxygen to adequately reach our brain... since thought is merely a process of precipitation; And, in case you hadn't noticed, we're not talking about snow or rain.

Complexiometric, Potenciometric.

Definitly not the metric of a Shakespearean sonnet but rather the quantative and qualative reassurance of our universe.

A universe where the colors of the rainbow can only be visualized as such ionic compounds:
Red for the gravimetric process of nickel;
Orange as bright as potassium dichromate;
Yellow as dense as the poisonous gas of chloride;
Green for ionized, oxidized magnesium;
Blue the color of copper, and yes, Copper is blue;
Purple such as when iodine boils and simmers.

Perspective may be skewed but interest never wavers... An interest to know that my interests lie in reading and undertanding the ingredients on the side of a shampoo bottle. Such as I definitly will not eat anything that I can't identify when checking food labels.

But with chemistry there is grace, perhaps on the border of art. There is nothing more beautiful then the quiet destilation of a substance, especially when you start with the alcohol of your choice.

Someone once told me that chemistry was something that did not exist because you could not plainly see it. But I bring myself here to completely disagree.

Our bodies are definitly made up of chemistry, or rather a series of complex reactions that keep us moving, functioning and living. Remember, thought is merely precipitation.

If you ask me, that is the greatest definition of creation and of art... it is the ability to explain and define ourselves, at least on paper, because we exist purely beyond explanation.

Caught up i sorrow, lost in the pain

It is amazing how things tke such rapid turn arounds. I have to say that with such few words an entire situation gets completely resolved. Still, the ache of the pain that was inflicted by the situation remains. I don't think that will ever go away. The anguish was something that one can never really get over easily. But I had one of those moments when I had to just fall apart and want to go home. They are so very few but when they happen it is so very intense that it is beyond debilitating.

I finally called home, after over a month of trying to bring myself to do it before hand. I could never allow myself to do it. But then she called me, with that slight contact the floodgates were opened with such an intensity that it was overwhelming. A lot of things had been said along the way and the entire situation was pushed too far. The simple words and actions had been interpreted beyong proportion to such extremes that I find it truly ridiculous. But, I think it is amazing when you do hear those words: "I love you, I need you in my life and I miss you." Its funny how we live our entire lives seeking those very words. True, we may expect them from different people, but essentially, the words are the same.

So much has been accomplished with those words, I just wish I could manage to get them elsewhere, but apparently I am not worth them. Actions speak louder than words, and that is why those actions must always accompany those words. The words merely release what is bottled up. The actions are what prove the words. One can not exist without them. Some underestimate one aspect of this relation. I just wish that they wouldn't.

Perhaps I may yet manage to piece everything in my life. With one step in repair, it shall most likely allow for the repairation of the ones to follow. I may have managed to have gotten back my family, my career seems to be smoothly getting aligned, my academic aspect will surely fall into place with a few well chosen words to the right people.... I just wish I could get my love life in order. It is sometimes difficult for me to grasp that I have so much time to accomplish this. But, you must understand that I have a skewed view; I have accomplished by far more than I should have at my age. That alone makes it hard to keep things in perspective.

Meanwhile I am wondering if I should be feeling guilty about something I have been doing. In order to get the attention I crave, I have turned to a somewhat heated relationship with someone one of my friends was in contact with. She left him hanging and somehow he turned to me. From talking, it has turned into something slightly more. I am not entirely sure, but it is sweet imaginings. Who knows... maybe I am just some hopeless romantic, lost without any hope of salvation. Perhaps I am truly damned... and I am merely pulling everyone I know down to hell with me.

Nailing yourself to a cross...

Are we all just willing to become the victim and blame everyone else for what is happening in our lives? I can't help but notice how lately everyone is just willing to sit back in a dramatic faint while blaming someone else for their problems in life. There have been so much happening that I don't even know how to deal with it. Worse yet, everyone seems to have fallen into a recent rut that makes daily existance very heavy and impossible.

I will admit that I have been in a rut lately with everyone else. But I don't think I am blaming anyone else for my problems. Instead, I find that I am more that frustrated and angry at myself for everything. If I really wanted to, I would have more than enough people to blame for my recent mood and attitude; I could blame my mother for calling me a failure, I could blame Ferddi for saying he loved me and then doing absolutely nothing to prove it to me, I could blame every guy that I have ever been interested in but only to find that they are more interested in friends of mine and I am only second choice, I could blame my father for having abandoned me when I was younger...... the list could go on and on.

Yet, I seem not to care about any of that. Sure, they are contributing factors, but they are not the problem. I find myself thinking instead that maybe if I were smarter, thinner, prettier, nicer, more active and more sociable, then maybe I would not be feeling any of the things I am currently feeling. You know, I have been skipping out on a lot of classes and I even dropped about half of the credits I was taking this semester. And still I find myself feeling as if I were drowning and I simply cannot cope.

Usually I can adapt to anything. That is what I am known for: that ever perfect strength. Yet, here I stqand, beautiful porcelain feeling as if I were shattering from within. (It has to be from within because I will never allow for those on the outside to see me crumble...... but then again, maybe i just think it is all on the inside but really everyone sees and simply does not care.) So I will say to those who have hurt and offended me.... I forgive you, but my memory is long so things will simply never be the same. I simply am not the same. Not at this moment and perhaps not ever. Something has changed and it seems to be going for the worst. Yet I am too tired to stop myself.... or rather... I'm too exhausted to care.

I'll be that girl...

So, here is the latest news on the goddess front:

A recent flirtation has come to fruition. Can you believe that? I couldn't! Considering the fact that I flirt a lot with almost every guy, the fact that I 'threw myself' at someone and he caught me and threw bits of himself back at me, was more than a little surprising. I thought nothing of it before because I was dealing with someone else. But now... my attention is centered and things are going VERY well. Still, to so many this just flew out of the blue. I think my brother put it the best: "One day she is crying her eyes out about one guy and next day she is handling someone new."

To clarify, I was NOT crying my eyes out about him... I was crying my eyes out about the pitiful situation my life was turning. The fact that I broke up with someone I cared about because I was being under appreciated added to the fact that my mother tossed me out for being a failure was too much for me to stand! Who wouldn't break down over that? I know that so many think I am one tough cookie... but I am not. I think I am more like cookie dough. Sure, I have the potential to become as tough as a cookie.. but I am still pliable and soft. Not to mention the fact that everything inevitably crumbles.

However, things are going really good again. I'm seeing someone new and we have so many great things in comnmon, I started working this week so that means more money, and I'm dropping half my classes which allows me for more ME time. I've been over working myself and I really don't want to burn out. This will not set me back in any way, but more help me figure myself out. I have time to really concentrate on what I have on hand and therefore get better grades. But, I will have to find out about this new guy. I'm not entirely sure if we both have an itch we're willing to scratch with one another or if there is something else there. I wouldn't care either way, as long as I know one way or another. Let's see what I can pull off. Wish me luck!

And sorry, I will NOT be giving any juicy details. The situation was by far too racy to write up here. Those who are my friends already heard ALL about it, so I doubt you want to read about it. Still, I had to say something because I am absolutely glowing once again. That is always a good thing, isn't it?