Caught up i sorrow, lost in the pain

It is amazing how things tke such rapid turn arounds. I have to say that with such few words an entire situation gets completely resolved. Still, the ache of the pain that was inflicted by the situation remains. I don't think that will ever go away. The anguish was something that one can never really get over easily. But I had one of those moments when I had to just fall apart and want to go home. They are so very few but when they happen it is so very intense that it is beyond debilitating.

I finally called home, after over a month of trying to bring myself to do it before hand. I could never allow myself to do it. But then she called me, with that slight contact the floodgates were opened with such an intensity that it was overwhelming. A lot of things had been said along the way and the entire situation was pushed too far. The simple words and actions had been interpreted beyong proportion to such extremes that I find it truly ridiculous. But, I think it is amazing when you do hear those words: "I love you, I need you in my life and I miss you." Its funny how we live our entire lives seeking those very words. True, we may expect them from different people, but essentially, the words are the same.

So much has been accomplished with those words, I just wish I could manage to get them elsewhere, but apparently I am not worth them. Actions speak louder than words, and that is why those actions must always accompany those words. The words merely release what is bottled up. The actions are what prove the words. One can not exist without them. Some underestimate one aspect of this relation. I just wish that they wouldn't.

Perhaps I may yet manage to piece everything in my life. With one step in repair, it shall most likely allow for the repairation of the ones to follow. I may have managed to have gotten back my family, my career seems to be smoothly getting aligned, my academic aspect will surely fall into place with a few well chosen words to the right people.... I just wish I could get my love life in order. It is sometimes difficult for me to grasp that I have so much time to accomplish this. But, you must understand that I have a skewed view; I have accomplished by far more than I should have at my age. That alone makes it hard to keep things in perspective.

Meanwhile I am wondering if I should be feeling guilty about something I have been doing. In order to get the attention I crave, I have turned to a somewhat heated relationship with someone one of my friends was in contact with. She left him hanging and somehow he turned to me. From talking, it has turned into something slightly more. I am not entirely sure, but it is sweet imaginings. Who knows... maybe I am just some hopeless romantic, lost without any hope of salvation. Perhaps I am truly damned... and I am merely pulling everyone I know down to hell with me.