You are related to a psychopath

Am I perhaps being too harsh during this newest development in my life? I sometimes think that maybe I am just a complete and utter bitch that should be shunned from society. Or at the very least stoned to death. Then again, I like to think that maybe its just my warped sense of humor and even my odd state of egocentrical self righteousness. Allow me to explain and I will then let you be the judge of what should be my death sentence. Or perhaps you may even side with me on what I have decided to do after everything has been said.

Alors, in my last post I went on about the new guy I was seeing (Alright, so maybe I didn't go on about him, but I did mention him once or twice to prove my point). So, I have been seeing him for the past 3 and a half months and we just had a very huge occurence. Last night I broke up with him. Many can attest to the fact that this was probably something as obvious a situation as a bright purple dancing elephant in a very crowded and rickety room. Why? Because for the past few weeks I have been trying to get him to pay attention to me when we are in the company of other people. Should a girlfriend at least get a second glance when in a room and not be looked through as if she weren't there? Anyone that does such a thing should be shot on sight. Its not a nice thing to be an invisible girlfriend.

So We have talked, we have argued and I have cried. Finally I had enough, not just with his blatant underappreciation but also of the psychotic obsession he has with a bitch of an ex girlfriend. She has lied to him, used him and plain abused him for the past 6 years of his life. I tried to be understanding, supportive and comforting. Yet, nothing I could do could repair such damage or try to live under the constant scrupulization of being expected of being fully capable of doing the same thing. Finally I decided that this was not something I needed right now. I will not beg for attention and I will not become some petty wallflower. That is just not who I am.

Last night we talked. It was a long time coming. He cried. I cried and we unloaded our thoughts to one another. Then he left to get some air and when he returned I told him my decision; it may hurt me to be letting go of him, but I will not allow him to continuously hurt me. I will not live in a relationship where everyday I will wonder if today he is willing to appreciate me... or rather, even remember that I exist. Sometimes he often doesn't remember the latter. Maybe I'm just being insecure. Is it too much to ask for some attention and appreciation? No... I didn't think so.

He swears he will improve once he tells off his ex for one last time. I don't believe this to be so. How can telling off an ex-gf fix the fact that he won't accept me into any aspect of his life, that he won't take hold of my hind in the light of day, or that he won't even give me a peck on the lips because we are in a room with other people? I don't know. If someone figures out the answer to that question, then I very much would like to be let into this wisdom. So I released him of any obligation towards me and we spent one last night together. In the morning, he told me he loved me. He in fact made it clear to me in one phrase or another that that was how he felt about me throughout the night.

So here is the thing, no matter what he does, I feel I will not take him back. Why? Because he already proved to me that he doesn't have it naturally in him to give me what I want and need. Even if he made a huge sacrifice and made a huge spectacle of himself in declaration to me in front of my friends and his, even if he did begin to act differently towards me, there is no garauntee of what will happen afterwards. He might be able to act out what he thinks I need for a week or two, but then we will be in the same argument and I will be shedding the same tears. Is it wrong of me to want to keep my pride in tact? Or am I being a bitch again?

Too much, or too little romance?

Alright, so I am pretty infamous for reading romance novels. I am also very well known in the rp-ing community as an avid romance writer. What can be expected of me? I am a pisis after all. That makes me a very amorous and feminine being. There is no changing that. So it should come as no surprise the fact that I consider some of the recent events in my love life somewhat worthy of being in a romance novel. Allow me to back track...

I met a guy, or rather he saw me, about over a year and a half ago. I had crashed at friend's place because my brother had some unsavory visitors at my apartment. So, I slept on the futton. Since I am a heavy sleeper, I managed to sleep through a very loud game of dominoes going on outside in front of the apartments. Little dd I realize that, like sleeping beauty, I was attracting a lot of attention. HE kept walking in and out of the room, hoping I would wake so he could talk to me. I never did and he never got the chance. But he did then proceed to find out as much about me as he could.

It wasn't until almost a month later when I get the call from one of my best friends. HE was asking for my number. This was huge for me. No guy had ever been interested in me enough to go through all that. So, I gave permission and we arranged to go out. On our first date we ended up at a motel.... but nothing really happened that night. Things could have gone great. But, like many of the jerks in my life, he may have been older than me by quite a lot. He was still very immature. For the next year, he left me hanging and we barely even saw one another. Closing himself off to me, hitting on my friends and completely treating me terribly. I of course gave up on him, pity since I felt that he was really someone I could see myself in the future with.

Like I said, I gave up and started seeing someone else. HE all of a sudden shows up, calling me up and wanting to see me. The other relationship is new and I HIGHLY doubted we would see one another, after all, he had broken SO many other dates with me before. But, little did I know that he was actually trying to get to see me and arrange himself more since he was working on campus. But it was too late. I told him off, put him in his place and am currently seeing that someone else I rubbed his face in.

So, how is this like a romance novel? Fairly simple. After avoiding me and all my friends for the past 3-4 months, he turns up and talked with our mutual friend, my best friend. He asked about me, after working his way around it. That was surprising. But here's the part I find perfect for any romance novel... how he asked it of my friend, though she was sure to point out how terribly he had treated me. "Is she at least happy now?" Wherein my friend responded. "She's definitly a lot happier than you ever could have made her." Don't you agree with me now? Shouldn't that be in a romance novel?

Love is butter. Won't you please be my bread?

So, I've been writing up ome personal essays... you know, the types where you write up all the obstacles you have overcome in your life, the best qualities about you, where you are going with your life. It feels particularly redundant that now is when I have to write them. Sure, it can be said that I had time to write them before. Yes, I could have, but now is when I can actually put some of what I feel my life is together... Some what.

The slightly funny thing is, that these essays are actually just a form of me selling myself. Yeah sure, I'm definitly not on some corner trying to sell over my body to some stranged. But I am trying to see my mind and my motivation to some Summer Internship people. The end reward is the same.. Money.

So, quite frankly, I'm selling myself as a mail order bride. All I'm missing is to write that I can cook and crochet. (Yes, I actually know how...) But, I'm selling other qualities: motivation, persistance, intelligence, responsibility. Aren't those admirable qualities for a futur life partner. I would think so. Yet, I'm veribly single. Sure, I'm seeing someone. But there really isn't a hope for the future. We knew that when getting in it.

At the beginning it was a life preserver thrown towards me at the right time. Now, its something that I feel I no longer need and am spending too much time and thought on. Yes, I am the ever practical one to think that. But my life's ambition is to make something of myself and have a family.... where I can have lots of kids and make their lives better than mine was. So... perhaps I should write up my personal essay here.... and maybe.. just maybe... I could find a future with someone with it...

When is enough enough?

"I wish I were lonely, instead of just only crystal and see through and not enough to you."

I find that those words are true now more than ever. I just realized that I have spent nearly 19 years of my life working so hard so my parents could be proud of me, toexcell at everything I do and manage to obtain approval on some level. Funny, I just got tired of doing it and couldn't take it anymore. No matter what, I wasn't going to be good enough. Sure, there were proud moments. But there were also sad moments and moments of complete loneliness. I'm finding that these latter ones are the ones that most encompassed my life until this point. Or rather, just about.

They say that college is the beginning of your adult life. I entered it at a young age and at the breakneck speed I am going through it, I will be done at an early age as well. Great grades and near model behavior, I just learned, is simply not enough anymore. Being bright, witty, intelligent, pretty, motivated, driven, assertive and self assured is not enough. It merits nothing it seems in the scale we are inevitably graded upon; whether this be by your peers, by your family or by your teachers. There will always be something you didn't do.

I was recently informed that my reason for being in college was to disrespect my mother and fail as a human being by sleeping around, getting pierced and carousing around dressed like a dime cent hooker. The thing was, they should have told me that when I started! I wouldn't have spent so much time working my tail off studying and the like. I could have just gone and failed as expected of me and not have put myself through so much mental and emotional heartache.

So when I seriously thought that things were going just great, I realized it was never enough to make either of my parents realize I am worthwhile. The strange thing is, that I can't say that I was surprised by this. Still, anyone who has been through it should know how much it hurts to see that disappointment in someone's eyes when they look at you, when they go and tell you that you are nothing what they thought you were.

It still amazes me how something as trivial as getting my naval pierced would get me thrown out of my house. Yes, me. The one who has been an honor student all her life. The one who drinks in moderation, adamantly says no to drugs and works tirelessly to ensure a good education. The one who, despite a slight weight problem, can still appraciate thefact that beauty does not come in specific sizes. So it is that me, the one who has over half a Chemistry BS done in only a year and a half at college, is getting thrown out because I am a failure as a human being. This world still never ceases to amaze me and leave me speechless. There will never be enough. Seems it is not in the global vocabulary. But, I have come to terms with my enough. I will no longer exhaust myself, but continue to do what makes me happy.

Which is what got me thrown out in the first place... Because I refused to make it seem that a piercing defined who I am. It no more defines me than the hairstyle I wear or the color nailpolish I adorn my fingers with. Yet, some people will wish it to be so. So it is, that they can judge me but it will only push me harder to accomplish what I already set myself out to do. Who knew a naval ring could define me so horribly and make me such a failure? Me. Yes, me. I know. Enough is enough.