Nailing yourself to a cross...

Are we all just willing to become the victim and blame everyone else for what is happening in our lives? I can't help but notice how lately everyone is just willing to sit back in a dramatic faint while blaming someone else for their problems in life. There have been so much happening that I don't even know how to deal with it. Worse yet, everyone seems to have fallen into a recent rut that makes daily existance very heavy and impossible.

I will admit that I have been in a rut lately with everyone else. But I don't think I am blaming anyone else for my problems. Instead, I find that I am more that frustrated and angry at myself for everything. If I really wanted to, I would have more than enough people to blame for my recent mood and attitude; I could blame my mother for calling me a failure, I could blame Ferddi for saying he loved me and then doing absolutely nothing to prove it to me, I could blame every guy that I have ever been interested in but only to find that they are more interested in friends of mine and I am only second choice, I could blame my father for having abandoned me when I was younger...... the list could go on and on.

Yet, I seem not to care about any of that. Sure, they are contributing factors, but they are not the problem. I find myself thinking instead that maybe if I were smarter, thinner, prettier, nicer, more active and more sociable, then maybe I would not be feeling any of the things I am currently feeling. You know, I have been skipping out on a lot of classes and I even dropped about half of the credits I was taking this semester. And still I find myself feeling as if I were drowning and I simply cannot cope.

Usually I can adapt to anything. That is what I am known for: that ever perfect strength. Yet, here I stqand, beautiful porcelain feeling as if I were shattering from within. (It has to be from within because I will never allow for those on the outside to see me crumble...... but then again, maybe i just think it is all on the inside but really everyone sees and simply does not care.) So I will say to those who have hurt and offended me.... I forgive you, but my memory is long so things will simply never be the same. I simply am not the same. Not at this moment and perhaps not ever. Something has changed and it seems to be going for the worst. Yet I am too tired to stop myself.... or rather... I'm too exhausted to care.