When is enough enough?

"I wish I were lonely, instead of just only crystal and see through and not enough to you."

I find that those words are true now more than ever. I just realized that I have spent nearly 19 years of my life working so hard so my parents could be proud of me, toexcell at everything I do and manage to obtain approval on some level. Funny, I just got tired of doing it and couldn't take it anymore. No matter what, I wasn't going to be good enough. Sure, there were proud moments. But there were also sad moments and moments of complete loneliness. I'm finding that these latter ones are the ones that most encompassed my life until this point. Or rather, just about.

They say that college is the beginning of your adult life. I entered it at a young age and at the breakneck speed I am going through it, I will be done at an early age as well. Great grades and near model behavior, I just learned, is simply not enough anymore. Being bright, witty, intelligent, pretty, motivated, driven, assertive and self assured is not enough. It merits nothing it seems in the scale we are inevitably graded upon; whether this be by your peers, by your family or by your teachers. There will always be something you didn't do.

I was recently informed that my reason for being in college was to disrespect my mother and fail as a human being by sleeping around, getting pierced and carousing around dressed like a dime cent hooker. The thing was, they should have told me that when I started! I wouldn't have spent so much time working my tail off studying and the like. I could have just gone and failed as expected of me and not have put myself through so much mental and emotional heartache.

So when I seriously thought that things were going just great, I realized it was never enough to make either of my parents realize I am worthwhile. The strange thing is, that I can't say that I was surprised by this. Still, anyone who has been through it should know how much it hurts to see that disappointment in someone's eyes when they look at you, when they go and tell you that you are nothing what they thought you were.

It still amazes me how something as trivial as getting my naval pierced would get me thrown out of my house. Yes, me. The one who has been an honor student all her life. The one who drinks in moderation, adamantly says no to drugs and works tirelessly to ensure a good education. The one who, despite a slight weight problem, can still appraciate thefact that beauty does not come in specific sizes. So it is that me, the one who has over half a Chemistry BS done in only a year and a half at college, is getting thrown out because I am a failure as a human being. This world still never ceases to amaze me and leave me speechless. There will never be enough. Seems it is not in the global vocabulary. But, I have come to terms with my enough. I will no longer exhaust myself, but continue to do what makes me happy.

Which is what got me thrown out in the first place... Because I refused to make it seem that a piercing defined who I am. It no more defines me than the hairstyle I wear or the color nailpolish I adorn my fingers with. Yet, some people will wish it to be so. So it is, that they can judge me but it will only push me harder to accomplish what I already set myself out to do. Who knew a naval ring could define me so horribly and make me such a failure? Me. Yes, me. I know. Enough is enough.